I think most people has a love-hate relationship with the holidays, that includes me. At such festive times it can be either some of the best or some of the worst of the year, and very seldom something in between.
I used to loved Hari raya when I was young, but slowly I began to grow out of it as I got older.
The holidays for me these days is only as nice if there’s someone to watch who’s all excited about the holiday. It’s all about the company. I don’t know why but I began to loose the youthful eagerness for such days and found it harder and harder to get thoroughly excited for such days
The year 1998 had always stood out in my mind for a particular reason that I could place. Mum told me she has cancer. Why her god? It robbed me of my faith and the beginning of my waning interest in what I thought was the childish part of festive days are.
Then the year 2002 robbed me of my loved one. I didn’t ask for anything special that year, and had come to the realization suddenly that there was, in fact, no miracle no matter how much you pray
An epiphany of sorts after that trying to deal with our own loss in the family that year, I finally understood now why we couldn’t get everything we wanted. I kept the illusion up for all my friends and loved one, putting up a brave front. That’s all I knew how to do then
The days between each festive period as years goes by these day are getting longer and darker, colder than I remembered. More and more I had begun to wish right now, I could skip right over December, January, February to springtime, when things were warmer.
I was sure that with adolescence came adulthood, and with adulthood you let go of childish things like cookies, money green packets and all the other silly things about the holiday. I’ve enjoyed Hari Raya well enough throughout my early childhood and teenage years, but really, I’d told myself, it was just another date on the calendar, nothing really all that special, except that you got the day off and at times presents.
It wasn’t until the first Hari Raya after you lose someone, that you’d realized how much I really had loved it when that someone you loved was alive.
Maybe that’s why I jumped at every chance of a relationship when I can and always coming up hurt at the end of each one. Maybe I was just looking for a distraction. I remembered holding onto my ex-girlfriend hand as we walked home from a previous Raya outing one night and listened vaguely while she buzzed about the outing we had earlier that day.
She was waving around through the air as she prattled on about tinsel and lights and beautiful kuih. I was only half-listening, and I rolled my eyes when I heard things that needed an affirmation from me. She was as pretty as the candies and so wrapped up in Raya spirit that I became increasingly resentful of having to sacrifice so much of my time and she being so annoyingly cheerful about a holiday that I didn’t care much for any more. I loved her, yet I loathe her too. It wasn’t her, it was just me
I would smile politely at other people’s cheerfulness each year when holiday time would roll around, and bow out of any get-together that came up either at school or at home.
Memories is wonderful, but it’s also painful too. These few years it’s painful to be reminded of our own broken promises, well I may as well dismantle the memories too, but I think that should change. I want to experience that sort of euphoric holiday mood again. I remembered leaping onto my parents bed squealing every time it was the festive time, when I was a kid. That sort of fun … I want to re-live it again
Well I’ll try harder this year :)
I would like to extend Salam Labaran to all my Muslim friends. And for those non-Muslims, hope you’ll enjoy the Hari Raya festivities, may it be with your Muslim friends or loved ones
i know what you mean sha….i totally can relate to it.
*hugs sha sha* you know, i have another friend your age who is experiencing things like you. he too added that maybe he’d get excited again about it once he has his own family. so insyaallah, one day you’ll feel the spirit of raya again :)
have faith in god and you will be able to feel the spirit. shah kan dah puasa 30 hari, takmu abaikan bulan syawal, you should be celebrating and feel happy with the ones that are still around you. for example your dad, sister and your niece. i know its easier said than done. i can never feel how you really feel but all i wanna say cherish the ones you still have.
selamat hari raya. takmu sedih k shah.
Your entry moved me. I hope to never feel the way you did (still do?)…
Selamat Hari Raya.
life is too short.
Salaams
Ive had my share of shit happen to me.I use to question why…but now I dont anymore I just live
So I get what you mean…Just do the best that you can…
Peace!
Wasalaam
hi sha, da lama la tak bual ngan kau.. selamat hari raya maaf zahir dan batin ye! takmo sedih2 laa.. we both on the same boat… raya’s not the same without my dad, and in turn i lose the mood everytime raya comes.. but life goes on, remember the loved ones always.. u take care bro, study hard, train hard. =)
I’ve been feeling the same these past few years. Even having the significant other in town this year for Raya still doesn’t make me feel the magic of it. May be it’ll get better soon. I keep telling myself that in hopes that it does.
Hey Sha,
My friend, I just want to say 3 words. Selamat Hari Raya! =)
Cheers,
Jag
semua yang terjadi ada hikmah di sebaliknya. what is important is that we carry on with life as per normal, with or without the people we love so much. i can’t say that i can really feel what you feel regarding your loss… but i can sure relate to the ‘increasing emptiness’ that we feel as we grow older. sometimes we do wish that we are able to be as excited as before. All in all.. God is Great. If you are not strong enough to handle it, He won’t test you this way yah! Cheer UP! :)
that was deep.
u gotta believe in that cloud behind every silver lining.
word of the year yo, HIKMAH.
slamat hari raya.
things will go your way sooner or later.
you’ll see.
u dint know im a walking fortune cookie?
:)
well im not going to rattle on about ‘where there is a will, there is a way- everything will get better’.. All i wanna say is that.. remember one thing.. and one thing only.. this holiday and festive season isnt merely about celebrating the end of the month with green packets and kuihs.. its about praying for & remembering the sweet happy memories of our loved ones.. They move on.. But still watch over us and visit us.. ESPECIALLY on this very day..
Like my mum says… light up your house, light up your heart, light up that place inside you and allow the ones who are not with you share in with the happiness that is around you :)
take it easy YOOoo.. and come visit my house!
i think the next fun raya in our stage of life is when we have kids..and seeing our children getting all hype and excited at the thought of raya visiting and green packets…
just let it go .. and move on son..
think about that smile on Aisha’s face. That is all you need..right now!
cheer up..SElamat hari raya.
*hug*
I always say this, the one will be there when you least expect it..
Selamat Hari Raya bro. Hope this Syawal will be a meaningful one for you! Minal Aidin Wal Fa’Izin.
:)