A camel, a nun and a priest
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth — to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Pregnant Nun
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor’s reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor’s office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor’s office and says to the doctor: “I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse.”
The doctor says: “I just told her that she is pregnant.”
Pat exclaims: “Oh my, is she?”
The doctor responds: “No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”
The Nun’s Secret
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.”
Ding ding ding
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: “What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?”
1st nun: “Adam and Eve” The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?”
2nd nun: “An apple” The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?”
After a few minutes thinking she says “Gosh, that’s a hard one!” The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
Holy Water
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. “However”, he said, “as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “What did you do, Sister?” She replies, “I watched an R-rated movie.” The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, “You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.” The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest replies, “OK, what happened?” She says, “I was driving my brother’s car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it.” The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, “You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.” The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, I have sinned.” The priest asks “Out with it. What did you do?” She says, “Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street.” The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, “God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water.” She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, “OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?”
The fourth nun replies, “I peed in the holy water…”
