The Priest Plays Golf
There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off with a beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice chip to the green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight for the hole, swerves, misses rolls down the hill and into the lake. The priest enraged by this flub in an otherwise perfect round takes out his sand wedge, bends it over his knee, and hurls it at a tree. He then screams at the top of his lungs:
“GODDAMNIT, I missed!”
The two nuns are shocked and berate him saying, “You shouldn’t swear or GOD will get you.”
The priest, a little abashed decides to continue his round. Amazingly, he finds that his game is improving. However when he gets to the thirteenth hole he drives a wicked slice into the water hazard, takes his penalty and winds up ont he green one under par. He putts the ball, it rolls straight for the hole swerves rolls down the hill and into a gopher hole. The priest, red with anger, takes his favorite driver and bashes it on a nearby rock screaming:
“GODDAMNIT, I missed!”
The two nuns stare at him and say, “We’re warning you, curb your swearing or GOD will get you.”
The priest ignoring them continues with his game and manages to turn things around so that by the time he is at the eighteenth hole he is shooting almost as good as his personal best. He drives the ball from the tee on a par four to within two feet of the cup. If he makes his next putt he will beat the clubhouse record. He lines up his putt, swings, it rolls toward the hole swerves, hits a rock bounces towards the lake where just before it hits the water, a fish leaps up out of the water swallows the ball and dives away. This makes the priest so furious that he takes his entire bag and hurls it into the lake, screaming after the fish:
“GODDAMNIT, I missed!”
The two nuns aghast declare, “That does it, now GOD is going to get you.”
Suddenly, dark clouds begin to gather, thunder booms, and lightning strikes the two nuns dead disintegrated. And a big booming voice shouts:
“DAMNIT, I missed”
Car
A rabbi, a baptist pastor and a catholic priest all get together and buy new cars.
The baptist pastor decides he wants to dedicate his car to god so he drives the car into the river.
The priest decides then to dedicate his car also. He dumps a bucket of water onto his.
The rabbi then says “Well if those christian schmucks are doing this i guess i need to also.” So he proceeds to saw off the tail pipe.
DUI
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace.”
The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.”
“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
“Aren’t you going to have any?” asks the priest.
“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”
Redhead and the Pastor
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,
“May I please use the restroom?”
The redhead replied, “I really don’t think you should.”
“Why not?” the pastor asked. “I really need to use a restroom!”
“Well, I don’t think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she’s only covered by a fig leaf!”
“Nonsense,” said the pastor, “I’ll look the other way!”
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, “Miss, I, don’t understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again.”
“Well, now you’re one of us!” said the redhead. “Would you like a drink too?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled pastor.
“You see,” laughed the redhead, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?”
The Evangelist and The Pastor
An evangelist and a pastor are out hunting, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a grizzly bear appears.
They sprint back to their hut as fast as they can, with the bear in close pursuit.
The evangelist gets there first and pulls open the door.
The pastor goes hurtling inside with the bear right behind, whereupon the evangelist slams the door shut from the outside.
There is an anguished cry as the pastor screams “What are you doing?”
To which the evangelist replies: “I just bring them in – once they’re inside, they’re your responsibility!”
